hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
