Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
