Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
