You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
