Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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