Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
