i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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