It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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