If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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