She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
