Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
