I wish I only lived at night.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
