Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
