Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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