i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
