my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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