i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
