Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
