Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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