my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
