Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Those nachos came to me in a dream
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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