Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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