i need an iv and a liver transplant
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
