nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
