It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Text me some of your sweat
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
