he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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