I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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