How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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