By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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