I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
And then he peed in my hair
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