dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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