I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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