I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
