I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
