All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
