he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
