So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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