I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You need a sexual gate keeper
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think my moral compass just broke
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
