can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
