the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
