she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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