the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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