sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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