mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
