My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
