Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
