At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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