if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
