made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
