this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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