And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
