Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
