the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
